Sadness

Oh yeah. I have a blog. Today I am thinking a lot about sadness and all the kinds of sadness. I want to categorize it neatly, but I'd forget something or some exception and then I'd be stressed and annoyed with it. Instead I'll just ramble on about it in general. I have been feeling a lot of sadness lately. It's not a depressing sadness - more nostalgic and achey. My heart feels heavy and I sort of understand why and I sort of can't put my finger on it. I'll try though. Possible Reason One I have a lot of issues that I always pictured being gone by the time I turned eighteen (at the very latest.) Well I'm here now. And so are they. I've made headway on so many goals and faltered or totally failed. In many ways I feel as though nothing has changed at all, and that hurts, and that makes me sad. It's the part of my sadness that feels hopeless even though I know it's not. Possible Reason Two Literature is fake. I've never had any problem accepting that and moving on. However, for some unexplainable reason (besides my obviously heightened mental capacity and remarkable maturity level) (hardy har har) it has ruined some things for me. Lately, I find reading makes me sad. My stupid brain keeps taunting me with the thought that it's temporary and that my life is still my life and it sucks the satisfaction clean out of it. Instead of picturing the rest of the untold story in my head, I find myself snarkily reminding me that the rest of the story doesn't exist because the author never wrote it. Possible Reason Four I hate leaving things behind. I hate missing people. But even worse is when I miss people for so long that I stop missing them. I hate the thought of letting go of things that matter to me now, even though I know it's right and good and inevitable that I move on. So many people tell me, "Don't worry. In five years, those people won't even matter." I'm not sure what about that is supposed to cheer me up, but I find it overwhelmingly heart breaking to think that eventually everything that means something to me now will have washed away. Possible Reason Five I am a floater. From now until a long time from now, I don't have a permanent home that's mine. And I don't have a car, which means that I'm sort of trapped here in this bubble. Not that I don't love Provo, but the idea that I am dependent on someone else should I want to see my parents or my cute little sister or older sister or *heart breaks a little* my sweet, sweet nephews makes me want to cry sometimes. Possible Reason Six Finally, I'm just not the person I thought I'd be by now. I always pictured my eighteen-year-old, freshman in college self as someone very different than who I am now. I find myself disappointed and tempted to compare myself to the seemingly perfect mass of women here. I hate that feeling. I'm happier than I am sad, though. I feel hopeful. I don't really know for what, yet, but I feel the excitement of a new experience and the slew of new experiences that come with it. I am lucky enough to have found two on campus jobs and I walk EVERYWHERE so that's healthier than I've ever been. People here are golden - funny, welcoming, smart and helpful. I am truly blessed. It helps a little to be able to expound on all of that. Also, how could I be sad? IT'S OFFICIALLY THE CHRISTMAS SEASON :D (In my book anyway.)