Sadness

Oh yeah. I have a blog. Today I am thinking a lot about sadness and all the kinds of sadness. I want to categorize it neatly, but I'd forget something or some exception and then I'd be stressed and annoyed with it. Instead I'll just ramble on about it in general. I have been feeling a lot of sadness lately. It's not a depressing sadness - more nostalgic and achey. My heart feels heavy and I sort of understand why and I sort of can't put my finger on it. I'll try though. Possible Reason One I have a lot of issues that I always pictured being gone by the time I turned eighteen (at the very latest.) Well I'm here now. And so are they. I've made headway on so many goals and faltered or totally failed. In many ways I feel as though nothing has changed at all, and that hurts, and that makes me sad. It's the part of my sadness that feels hopeless even though I know it's not. Possible Reason Two Literature is fake. I've never had any problem accepting that and moving on. However, for some unexplainable reason (besides my obviously heightened mental capacity and remarkable maturity level) (hardy har har) it has ruined some things for me. Lately, I find reading makes me sad. My stupid brain keeps taunting me with the thought that it's temporary and that my life is still my life and it sucks the satisfaction clean out of it. Instead of picturing the rest of the untold story in my head, I find myself snarkily reminding me that the rest of the story doesn't exist because the author never wrote it. Possible Reason Four I hate leaving things behind. I hate missing people. But even worse is when I miss people for so long that I stop missing them. I hate the thought of letting go of things that matter to me now, even though I know it's right and good and inevitable that I move on. So many people tell me, "Don't worry. In five years, those people won't even matter." I'm not sure what about that is supposed to cheer me up, but I find it overwhelmingly heart breaking to think that eventually everything that means something to me now will have washed away. Possible Reason Five I am a floater. From now until a long time from now, I don't have a permanent home that's mine. And I don't have a car, which means that I'm sort of trapped here in this bubble. Not that I don't love Provo, but the idea that I am dependent on someone else should I want to see my parents or my cute little sister or older sister or *heart breaks a little* my sweet, sweet nephews makes me want to cry sometimes. Possible Reason Six Finally, I'm just not the person I thought I'd be by now. I always pictured my eighteen-year-old, freshman in college self as someone very different than who I am now. I find myself disappointed and tempted to compare myself to the seemingly perfect mass of women here. I hate that feeling. I'm happier than I am sad, though. I feel hopeful. I don't really know for what, yet, but I feel the excitement of a new experience and the slew of new experiences that come with it. I am lucky enough to have found two on campus jobs and I walk EVERYWHERE so that's healthier than I've ever been. People here are golden - funny, welcoming, smart and helpful. I am truly blessed. It helps a little to be able to expound on all of that. Also, how could I be sad? IT'S OFFICIALLY THE CHRISTMAS SEASON :D (In my book anyway.)

Humor Me

More and more recently, I have been examining a tendency in myself that goes like this: I laugh at everything. Ok, let me qualify that. Of course there are lines that I do not cross. But as far as my own life, my own heartache, my own failure, my own stress goes? Yeah ... there's some good, comedic material there. Probably enough to last a lifetime. Research says (no, don't be ridiculous, I'm not ambitious enough to look up the articles) that humor has always been used to combat tragedy or things that make us uncomfortable. Racist jokes, woman/man jokes, political cartoons - it's all a defense mechanism. It's actually an aggressive reaction meant to combat the discomfort. It crosses a line when it's not aggressive enough to effectively fight the discomfort - that line is drawn by different people at different times. For me, there are subjects that cannot be dealt with by laughter - I always thought it was just inappropriate to laugh at certain things (i.e. Holocaust jokes, 9/11 jokes, dead baby jokes, etc.) but I realize that my line of when laughter is an aggressive enough response is just drawn sooner than others. Scaling it down back to a personal level, though, I have to look at the things in myself that I have to find funny. My weight, Polycystic kidney disease, my clumsiness, my own lack of social grace, the constant stream of people disliking me or finding me annoying ... ew, just writing the list makes me squirm in my seat. The same things that fuel my humor fuel my insecurities. So do I use laughter as a defense mechanism? Yes. Is that unhealthy? To be honest, I really don't think so. I don't feel like my humor or laughing at myself is a facade. I'm not hiding my baggage behind comedic walls. I simply twist situations that I find to be disheartening into ones that make me laugh (something I dearly love to do). I can recognize this as an aggressive response, an effort to keep myself secure, but were I not able to laugh at these things, I have a dangerous feeling that I would be one of those wince-worthy facebookers that always make you want to send a kind message detailing content that is and is not acceptable to be posted. I'm dramatic as is. Humor may be a silly defense mechanism, but I can also see that it has become my saving grace. Had I decided so many years ago to take myself too seriously, I have a sneaking suspicion that I would have ended up one of those tortured artist types. Laughter has saved me. (That's not dramatic at all). Sure, sometimes I use it too much as a crutch or an escape to avoid dealing with things that I should. More often than not, though, I'm simply allowing laughter to balance out my intense tendencieos towards the overly passionate and rather scary. Not to mention, my charm and wit are unparalleled. What can I say - I have a gift?

Ready or Not

Am I ready for high school to be over? This question has been posed more than any other lately (not including the ever most common, "What did we need to do for English again?") and has taken more thought to answer save only the very most probing. Am I ready for high school to end? Ready? Ready as in logistically could I survive life after high school? Since I assume the "end" of high school is laced with hidden implications of the beginning of college, a mission or some other generic secondary educational plan, I'll take a step back and answer that. Yes. Yes, I do believe that I can survive the college lifestyle. (my specific plans, in case you were wondering.) I have saved as much money as possible at my grand positions as an intern at a local paper, a pizza maker at Papa John's (as well as cashier, phone answerer, dough slapper, floor cleaner and just about anything else they need me to do) and a tutor for a darling girl in my neighborhood. I have kept my grades high so as to qualify for scholarships and have received several. Or, perhaps they mean ready as in emotionally stable enough? Good enough at driving through college towns? Clean enough? Responsible enough? Mentally ready? Spiritually strong enough? Is ready just another word for enough? Are you ENOUGH for high school to end? I think I'm ready. I'm ready to leave behind bell schedules, orange vests and morning announcements over the intercom. I'm ready to get away from girls who think they know too much and boys who don't care to know anything at all. I'm ready to be a leader by example, not by title. I'm ready to meet a whole new crowd of men and a whole new crowd of women. I'm ready for Krispy Kreme and big classes. I'm ready for a little room and some brand new roommates. I'm ready to stay up all night and cram for exams. I'm ready to have to walk across campus to get to a class and I'm ready to have a different schedule for every day of the week. I'm ready to not be able to procrastinate anymore and I'm ready to have to work my butt off to get an A. I'm ready to learn to be a college student and I'm ready to get out of the house and fall flat on my face. I'm ready to make mistakes and make good choices and make dinner. Yeah, I'm ready. Except, I'm having a hard time being ready for half of my friends to go on missions and half of them to scatter themselves across Utah or the country. I'm not so ready to leave behind my favorite teachers - I know that should be the last of my concerns - or seminary. I'm not ready to leave behind free periods spent excusing students, morningsides or late nights with people just down the street. I'm not ready to leave Kraver dates or Roxberry dates or stupid, sweaty school dances. I'm really not ready to call the new seminary council or teach the new editor how to run the school paper. I'm not ready to graduate and cry allll day. I'm not ready to leave my best friend in high school. I'm not ready to drive back and forth between here and anywhere further away than Tooele. I'm not ready to say goodbye to the hilarious people at Papa John's or tutoring. I'm not ready to say goodbye to at least 200 of my books. I'm not ready for most of my best friends to no longer be so close by. No, I'm not ready. That's ok, though, because my thoughts are mirrored by many, I'm sure, and I know I'll be just fine. It will all work out beautifully even if I am occasionally nostalgic. But for now? I think I'll enjoy every minute of high school I have left.

2013. And a little lot more.

I'ts been a very, very long time since I last posted on this blog. However, I feel that I have far from neglected it as, periodically, I referred back to my last post through the remainder of 2012. It is now 2013 and I find myself puzzling over the very odd changes and, sometimes, lack of. I also find myself puzzling on the people who have walked in, out, back in ... sometimes back out? of my life. The people who I could not imagine life without suddenly I never see and the same people that were faces in a crowd are now those same people I could never live without. The point is, life goes on. I don't even remember losing twenty five pounds, have continued to fluctuate (aka grow exponentially larger) and currently, just started dieting again and have lost anywhere from 10-20 pounds. This time though, it feels real, and once again, I have high hopes. I have been called to the seminary council which, in itself, is a total party. I also inserted commas where they weren't there in the parallel last blog post and to be quite frank, I'm not sure which was correct. This one, I hope. Yes, a certain boy was called to the seminary council as well which is not only a large reason that it is such a party but is also the reason that I met him at all. Funny how these things almost relate perfectly and yet are so different. I have more causes for work and stress and, once again, less work and stress. I am beginning again to keep a consistent reading and (wonder of all wonders) am finally reading the bible! My fanfiction obsession, ironically, is one of the only parts of 2012 that has extended with almost no change into 2013. If anything, it has grown more open. Courageous, I know. I have watched lovely superhero movies, Les Mis, the Hobbit, Breaking Dawn AND Pitch Perfect ALL in theaters which makes some sort of record for me. Especially because not only did I tolerate them, I loved and raved about them all. I guess that was more the end of 2012, though. Suddenly my reading habits strike me as dull. I read, always have. Ha ha ha ... the world, for the - what - thousandth time, did not end. I guess you can call me survivor. Dallin is home, I still occasionally give talks and, again, oddly enough, I just went and SAW Owen and Wes and (drum roll, please) now baby Eli. Sometimes I call him Pal or Raisin. (I just had the hardest time spelling raisin. Hm.) It was wonderful. They were wonderful. I got out of the car and my butt was a bruise and my body a bug bite, but they are more than worth it.I continue to watch Luke and Lorelai and many other couples. I mentioned Homecoming - I went twice. Sort of. With a wonderful boy who offered to dress in dress robes. I have had immense luck with dances and gentlemen and I still find it miraculous that both days would be in my top favorite days in living memory. Neat. I'm a cliche. I wanted to address all of that as a precursor to what I really wanted to talk about which is, joy of joy, my opinions. It's all kind of in one post, which I apologize for (because it's becoming a novel), and rather disjointed, but something that has been on my mind. My opinions are random, often under-educated, random and, sometimes I wonder if they might be invalid as well. Oh, and did I mention random? Oftentimes I, after having a negative run in with someone or something throughout the day, subconsciously add passion to stories and recollections for humor's sake. Something that might really hurt me or bug me is spun around into humor. I do not hide behind it, I simply prefer to laugh at these things and it heightens my enjoyment of life. So these things that don't really matter and that I recognize don't matter often get more priority in my brain than other things. To condense it down, here are some things that I have strong opinions on. Some are bizarre and I should probably get over. Some are well founded, but still random and may seem puzzling. But here it is. Harry Potter is the singly best fictitious series ever written. Yes, I said it. I realize I did only compare it to Lord of the Rings and Chronicles of Narnia but let it trump them. I can recognize that yes, they may have been better developed settings and even purposes. However, Harry Potter is a story that connects with readers. I have always connected with literature, but Harry Potter has given me another life. The character's lives were as much a part of my childhood as running through sprinklers in the summer and sleeping on my parents' floor when I had a nightmare. I could elaborate - probably more than any other subject I could elaborate on this. But I won't. I could never do them justice. People should be good to people Yes, I believe that people should be good to all living things. However, I believe completely that if humans honestly held in themselves a constant, anxious concern for the well being of other people, then care for the environment, animals, politics, and all other important issues would follow. Bullies, those that abuse in any way, those that are cruel without cause and those that are cruel with cause I have a harder time tolerating than anyone else. Little things like leaving generous tips and complimenting sincerely. Isn't the fact that we're all part of mankind enough to instill us with some sort of duty towards each other? Whatever method of existence you believe in, can't we all agree that it was ONE method that created all of us? I don't condone tolerating evil or sin or whatever your version of that concept is, but tolerating and LOVING and ACCEPTING people is a must. However, I am a hypocrite. I don't hate gays more than I hate people who drink coffee. (As in, it makes no difference, if you're a jerk I won't like to be around you, if you're a nice person, I will. I do not live that lifestyle, you are welcome to, kudos all.) I like people from all races as well as racist jokes. If you tell me an honest problem that you have, rarely does it shock or sway me. Rarely does it give me occasion to dislike you in any extreme. However, there are two things that I cannot find myself able to tolerate and it is literally the most hypocritical pet peeve. I cannot stand stupid people. But stupid is ambiguous and relative! Yes ... I know. That's the problem. I have a hard time with people who, by my definition are stupid. Basically, ignorance and apathy, combined, in my head compartmentalize someone as that word that, for literary reasons I can't make myself repeat anymore. When people know very little about a subject they are impassioned about, when people are smart but with no care for anything or (worst of all, heavens above) know very little and do not care to learn more. Yeck. I become a total snob thinking I am somehow better even though it's ME that gets excited for a B in math and ME that can't keep a room clean to save my life and ME that cares more about eating food than I do about the possibility of heart disease, diabetes and YES I will say it, death. How can I classify someone ELSE as stupid when I, myself, struggle with life and death dilemmas and am closer to the death side?? Not very intelligently, that's how. And yet, I will always believe that people ARE good. Yep. It's true. People should be good and, for the most part, are. Humans are, inherently, well meaning creatures. Some do good because they believe it is their duty to leave a mark on society. I do good because it feels good to help and because I believe that it is my way to show my Heavenly Father that I am grateful for what he has done for me by "feeding" His "sheep." This urge to do good, to me, is the Light of Christ and the presence of the Holy Ghost. To others, it's a conscience. Some call it karma, some just believe that if they're on Earth, than doing good is a duty and a privilege without believing in a higher power or eternal consequences at all. And yet ... they do good anyway. People are good. Some people are bad, sure, but, like the beautiful John Mayer song, "The Heart of Life is Good." I believe this completely. The difference between a bad day/week/life/etc. is your attitude As much as inspirational, cliched notions are obnoxious to my jaded ears, I believe in the notion that attitude is at least a good portion of everything. Attitude, if you didn't notice, plays a crucial role in all of the previous things I have mentioned. The attitude to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" which, sure, is quoted scripture that I believe, but obviously not strictly applicable to religious causes. The attitude to work hard and be educated for no other reason than that you have an attitude of CAN in yourself, in others, and you want to learn. Apathy should be vanquished in general. I believe in feeling. I believe in crying if that's how you feel (not ... crying because you are sad, I mean the literal expression of strong emotion.) I believe in letting yourself connect to people and literature and poetry and art. Personally, those last two still kind of puzzle me, but if they're what make you feel, I believe in them. I believe in being tender and sweet and good and soft. In my mind, those things make you strong. To me, that's what having a good attitude is all about. Laughter cures most things and helps the rest. Ok, sure, that was a hyperbole. However, I love laughing. This year has been jam packed beyond believe and many of my goals have collapsed. However, I have learned to laugh loudly and often. My writing has taken a turn for the satiric and sarcastic which, to be frank, I prefer. Sometimes, I'll admit, that leaves my real emotions coming out like they are currently (i.e. long winded and melodramatic) if only because sometimes I need to write this way - exactly what I feel despite the fact that writing jam packed with bloggers who feel like if they just string together their thoughts eloquently enough, post enough about FEELINGS and OPINIONS, then they can change the world tends to make me want to claw my eyes out. Despite this post, laughing has become nearly constant and is my favorite part of my day. Humor is crucial in my life. I tell stories a lot, mostly because if I can just turn a really awful day into a witty anecdote, somehow it feels like it was still worth something. I believe in knowing and caring about politics in the county, country and world. Once again, though, it goes back to the care for people in general, and I don't want to get into my individual stances (because suddenly I will start sounding extremely uneducated which would be embarrassingly ironic.). I believe in the importance of family I believe in being good to your siblings, your parents and your spouse. I believe in laughing, farting, laughing harder, fighting, playing Pokemon and staying close. I believe that strong marriages happen all the time. I believe that happy marriages are possible and important. I like kids and family pets and inside jokes. I like it all. Finally because, of course, it's a given... I have an opinion about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, and it's that it's true. To me, it's a fact. Weirdly enough, it's the one fact and the one thing on here that i wouldn't bother to argue. It's a fact for me. Can people be blissfully happy taking other paths? Sure thing. Good for them. I just truly believe that nothing makes you happier than this church. I don't even know what this blogpost is. Making up for lost time?? No ... two people total I think will ever see this. Not a big deal. It just felt good to write something in my perspective, laced with whatever cheesy lines I want (and am about to use) - and overall, the audience is secondary. I just needed to write (for a complete eternity) and figure out my thoughts. Maybe it took all night (it did) but it felt good. It felt good to spout off about nonsense and to know that I'm about to publish this post without editing it a bit or sleeping a wink. -Siera p.s.My new Year's resolution, put into my poor attempt at poetic words? No empty words. No empty calories. No empty spending. No empty head.

2012

When Junior year started, I thought my life had ended. It was so bad - so stressful, I was constantly busy, I never accomplished enough and there was probably enough time to get more done, but probably not nearly enough ambition. Well, it had nothing to do with Junior year, or my workload, or anything like that. Oh no, it was all because 2011 was determined to suck and that was all.
Well, glad that's over.
As of the beginning of 2012...
1)I have lost 25 pounds
2)I have been called to be on the trek committee which in itself is a total party
3)A certain boy was also called to be on the trek committee, which, admittedly is a large part of what makes it such a party
4)I have more work and less stress ... don't ask me how that works.
5)I have been following through with my commitment to read 15 minutes in the scriptures every day, which has paid off ten fold.
6)I have accepted my previously closet fanfiction obsession, and started to publish my own - with good reviews!
7)I have watched the third first movie of a series that I was seriously impressed with. (The Hunger Games, obviously). The other two were the first Harry Potter, and the first Chronicles of Narnia.
8)I have read every English book assigned to me (meaning, I have not caved and used Sparknotes), as well as reading seven books on the side. I have not pulled that off since I began Junior Year, and now I can't stop.
9)The world has not ended.
10)Dallin is coming home THIS YEAR.
11)Aida, Steve, Wes and Owen are coming home THIS MONTH.
12)I've written, stressed about, given and been done (finally!) with three talks.
13)I have re-watched all the best Luke and Lorelai scenes.
14)I have gotten new glasses.
15)I have updated my goodreads.
16)I
17)GOT
18)ASKED
19)TO
20)PROM!
21)(twice)
22)And said yes.
23)To the guy of my dreams.
24)I bought a dress and shoes.
25)Camilla has made it a bajillion times more exciting FOR SURE. Also, she has by relation loaned me the bolero, bought me jewelry, given me perfume, glittered me adorable shoes, taken me shopping, freaked out, agreed to do my nails, helped me search for hair styles, and given me other items that have nothing to do with prom but still make my day.
26)I changed my facebook to timeline.
27)But secretly all of this was just so that I could make a post about the prom thing. Because secretly, without any of the other stuff, the prom thing would have made my 2012.
Or maybe, the secret to my happiness is best told in the words of an optimistic Bill Watterson-
“I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.”
Heh heh.

Beautiful girls

This is randomly an article I wrote, and I was about to write a whole different post about it, because it's been on my mind lately. However, then I realized that since I already said it all, I might as well just repost :) So here it is -

As high school wears on, differing opinions about what beauty is can be found everywhere. In elementary school, insults to girls’ attractiveness were limited to simple things like “metal mouth” or “four eyes.” Nothing could possibly be worse than having that cliched “nerd” look.
However, once elementary school ended, us newly teenage girls suddenly faced a whole new realm of standards in the ideal body type. In high school, obsession with body image is everything.
Teenage girls all seem to have that one thing (or many things) about themselves they cannot stand. I hate the gap between my two front teeth, some girls hate their freckles or their skin tone, and others covet their friend’s hair color or texture. Some girls dislike their braces or glasses, and it seems that more than any other, girls are self-conscious about their body type.
Every girl, including myself, would love to be the epitome of beauty. However, who can say exactly what that is? Some think of tall, curvy, blonde, blue-eyed babes. Girls wear heels, color their hair and get contacts or wear ridiculous inserts to achieve this ideal image.
On the other hand, many tall girls feel awkward, and many blondes want to be brunettes or redheads. For many, the prettiest girls are those with dark eyes, hair and skin.
Ironically, and sadly, it seems that no matter who we are or what we look like, teenage girls think the prettiest girls are the ones who do not look like themselves. If a girl is a little larger or curvier, then she assumes it is best to be rail thin. Girls with lovely, curly heads of hair envy those with stick straight hair.
Interestingly enough, a good amount of the ideal in beauty comes with culture. Some cultures view women who are overweight as attractive, because it signifies wealth, such some Central African countries. That also holds true with those who have lighter skin in certain Asian countries. Gaps between the two front teeth are actually becoming stylish in some places, including here, with gap-toothed models such as Dutch fashion model, Laura Stone, on demand.
What true beauty is will always vary depending on the person and their background. If only we teen girls would realize that not a single girl is gorgeous to everyone, and not a single girl is unattractive to everyone. Still, that doesn’t stop us from wishing that we were whatever we aren’t. After all, the grass is always greener on the other side.
Being comfortable in your own skin is ridiculously difficult, and is made ever harder by the constant ideas of perfection shoved at us by the media. It also doesn’t help that we feel like we have to impress the guys around us as well as our fellow female teenagers. We feel like everywhere we go, people have opinions on who is hot and who is not.
It is pretty common knowledge that a confident girl is a beautiful girl. Still, with pressure pushing in from every side, that’s something easier said than done. Insecurity causes problems that range from trivial to crisis every day. However, in a world where self-esteem issues abound, and everyone wants what everyone else has, gaining confidence enough to, cheesily as it may sound, reach our potential, is well worth the effort.
When self-esteem is based on the view of the current high school or media hype, we are in for a rocky ride. There will always be those people, and that part of ourselves that will insist that we are never good enough, physically or otherwise - and it will always be tempting to believe them. Why is it so hard to step back and see ourselves for what we honestly are, what we can accomplish if we trust ourselves to try? It’s about time that true beauty takes a stand.

It's pretty cheesy since the people in charge like dramatic calls to action, but the point is there. It's driving me nuts - why are we all so obsessed with looking like or being someone else??? HMMMM??

The end :)

Sarah Hailey Booey Booey Bumpkins Cricket June Bug Hannah Hardy

Well I guess I won't speak directly to Sarah, since she probably will never read this, but let me just say that I am extremely grateful to have Sarah Hardy in my life.
In the four or so years that I've known her, she has never once said or done anything to make me feel less of anything except just by virtue of being her. She is hilarious, beautiful, extremely hardworking, and one of the sweetest people I have ever met.
Sarah is the kind of girl who hates writing with a passion, but will take the time to write six or so pages just so that you know she thinks you're amazing. She is the kind of person that finds out that someone treated you not extremely well, and her righteous indignation on your behalf makes you feel like you are important.
Out of all my friends, Sarah is the one that I could sit for hours and hours and hours and do absolutely nothing but talk to, and still feel like I could do it more if I wanted to. She is the kind of girl who finds the good in people, then expounds on it enough to make you feel wonderful.
In the past, I don't think there's anyone else that has been involved in more of my drama, because she has been a huge part in ALL of it ... and I'm not talking about seventh grade, when we were both just really stupid. The reason you've (ope, guess I'm switching to second person now, third is too weird.) always been a part of my drama is because I cannot help but want to tell you EVERYTHING, because you always know just exactly what to say, do and how to react.
You have always understood when I'm a total jerk to you, and recently, since we don't have ANY classes together or ANY time to just sit and talk, the random phone calls from you to just talk have meant the world.
I don't know if I have ever sincerely helped you, but I can honestly say that you are my very favorite person on the planet to at least attempt to help in any way I can. I love to compliment you, because you always understand that I mean it, and you always act like I did something monumental. I love giving you guy advice, because you always act like you value it, I love when you ever ask me for help on a paper, because even though your ideas are always your own, and I end up not doing much at all, you still act like I did something amazing in helping you.
You are so extremely thoughtful, and deserve such great great things. You are another one who really doesn't think AT ALL highly enough of themselves. You call yourself stupid, yet you among the top like, what, 10% for intelligence and GPA in the nation. You think you're sooo rude, but really anyone who knows you admires your intelligence, and ask anyone, some kind word you have said to them has made their day. Seriously, you have made countless of mine.
I also know that superficial beauty isn't supposed to be important, but honest to goodness you are GORGEOUS!!! You underestimate the number of guys attracted to you, not just for your adorable laugh and SHINING personality, but for your stunning good looks. That should be very inconsequential since ya know, it's the inside that counts, but since your insides are completely beautiful and that's just a given, I think it's appropriate to tell you that if it was all based on physical appearance, you would still be soaringly above average.
Thank you so much for being my friend, and for the hugely long discussions about absolutely everything. We might talk about ridiculous things sometimes, but talks with you have also strengthened my testimony and my resolve to keep strengthening it, my happiness level, and what I'm so acutely grateful for right now especially, my self esteem.
I know I keep talking about that, like "Well gee thanks for makin' me feel like I'm awesome," which sounds pretty redundant after a short while, but you are honestly a life saver. I don't know where I would have been through high school if you weren't there reminding me that I have value as a person.
Thank you so much, for listening, and trusting me enough to tell me things too. Thank you for being there, and being sweet, and forgiving me, and being an example. You truly have been a great one.

Camilla

I will begin with you, Camilla, because I most certainly have the most amounts of things to say to you.
Well first off I was reading your blog and marveling at your amazing talents, once again, trying to contain all of my awe into simple comments on your photos. Then I read Aida's blog, specifically her post about you, and realized that I most definitely cannot do that. So call me copycat, but I decided to make one for myself.
Let me just say first of all that unequivocally, hands down, you are the single person on the planet who has made me feel truly and honestly better about myself, my life, my hobbies and my goals than any other person.
I'll start with that part of it, even if it's only a fraction, because it really has meant the world to me. You somehow have a way, with your offhand compliments and also your long discussion forms of compliments, of making me believe that you mean what you say. There are only so many, "Cute hair. Cute earrings. Cute belts," that you can take before it starts to sound like a broken, albeit very kind, record.
You, on the other hand, know me so well, and not just me, but everyone you know, that you can take the things they struggle with and you make them sound inconsequential. Then you find my strengths (and when I say my, I'm still referring to everyone around you as well) and you force me to acknowledge them. Ever since, oh I dunno, seventh grade or so, my strengths, without people like you, would not exist to my own mind. My self worth, and self respect has risen because of you in leaps and bounds.
I cannot even express how much it has meant to me to be able to share my successes with you and have you return with such extreme excitement, whether because I did well on my math test, I got a job, or a boy likes me. With seven siblings, all who amaze me with their various talents and extraordinary contributions/abilities/attractive characteristics, you have made me feel like I could actually stand out.
Not only have you given so much emotionally, but when I think the word generosity, you are the epitome of it. From a holagraphic Charizard to a KINDLE!!, and from taking time to make an incredible assortment of flyers, to taking the time to give all of yourself for the good of someone else, I have never seen someone give more. Your gifts, of time, money, patience, emotional support, love, talent and all of the other things are always personal and always exactly what whoever it is wants or needs. I remember a talk one time where someone said that true generosity isn't knowing someone needs help cleaning their house, so you make them a loaf of bread. But you not only know when people (metaphorically) need housecleaning before even they do, but you then come and clean the whole (once again, metaphorical) dang house for them AND make them a loaf of beautiful, talented, too-good-to-be-homemade bread.
Ironically enough, you are one of the people who has talent and beauty to levels that I can't even comprehend, yet you always underrate yourself. Thinking back on my childhood, I can give you a list of hobbies that you have showed interest in, perfected, then blessed EVERYONE ELSE with. Ever since I was tiny. So here is my assuredly incomplete list.
DOGS
I have so many dog figurines that you drew, as well as a wealth of information that I periodically use and reflect on about the magnificent specimen. You also picked a great one in Darwin, who I still am proud to call related to me when my friends ask who the adorable addition is.
BAKING
Speaks for itself. WOW!!
JEWELRY MAKING
90% of the items complimented still today are those you made for me :)
SEWING
Poptarts, owls, comforters, golden snitches - need I say more?
CROCHETING
Cutest scarf and most awesomly colorful afghan? Yes, I think so.
NAIL POLISHING
People asked for weeks who did my homecoming nails. Your ability with nail polish is ridiculous. I can't even paint one solid color without having to use nail polish remover on my whole hand afterwards :P
PHOTOGRAPHY
I don't think I ever liked a single picture of myself before you insisted on those photo shoots. I didn't think I ever would either, no joke. Thank you for all the time taken to make me feel comfortable in front of a lense :)
DECORATING
Wherever you live, it's freaking cute. Nothing makes me quite as excited to decorate my own house.
CLOTHES, ACCESSORIES, ETC. TASTE
My cutest clothes are hand-me-downs. From you.
WIT
I don't know how much of it I picked up, but there is seriously no one who can make me laugh like you do.
MOVIE QUOTES
"I want that...."
Ok, so I could keep going all day and night, and I never realized that summing up not only my gratitude for you, but my awe of the amazing skills you possess is a hugely daunting task that I don't think I really could ever truly sum up. So just thank you for being my sister. I could not have been blessed with a better one.

Series of Tributes

I'll just begin by saying that I have three people in mind to pay tribute to, and I was going to be a normal person and make it all one blog post, but I didn't think I wanted to smush them all up with normal text and everything. I wanted three separate blog titles, so their names can be bright, bold and in white so that everyone who reads this (the great masses of people I only wish to meet someday) will know very clearly and decisively how separately and crucially these three girls/women/female incredinistas have influenced my life, especially very recently.
I will then continue by saying that right now, and also in my life, I am so grateful for many more than three people, however, these three I am feeling extreme feelings of great senses of gratitude for.
I will then conclude by saying that smush should be a word. And that I'm going to post three posts consecutively in one day, which is kind of weird, but everyone (once again, speaking generally about the copious amounts of riveted citizens who will read this) knows that I post then don't post again for months and months on end. So here we go :)

To Summer it up...

Summer is easily the strangest time of the year.
It is the period of time that, arguably, is the most revered. During the school year, we dream of summer as though as soon as it begins, anything can happen. "Yeah, I'm going to write a novel over the summer." "We're painting our entire house this summer." "This summer, my backyard will become exactly the one I've always wanted."
Sadly enough, most of these dreams are evaporated quickly as far out illusions. We have months to do anything and everything we want so we, in turn, do nothing. Of course, once in awhile (every month or so) we become disgusted with ourselves, so the gardeners weed for an hour, the writers write five pages, and the painters repaint the bathroom.
Then we wipe our hands, smile in brilliant satisfaction, and rush to post about our success on facebook.
Then, once facebook has glazed our eyes over and our fingers somehow manage to click out of it, we amble our way back to the couches to dream some more about our goals, Suddenly, June is over. July slips past. And finally, August goes by in the final zoom to shame the others.
Luckily, there is one blessed relief from the vegetation we are condemned to every summer. That relief is known as vacations. We get out of our house to view and do things if not productive, then at least thought inspiring. Vacations should be a time in these months that is prayed for, looked forward to, and prepared avidly for. Vacations should be our escape.
This is where summer becomes stranger than anything else. We get on these blessed vacations and begin to do things we have dreamed about for months, if not years. Every effort is pushed forward to make each moment a moment that we want to experience.
Suddenly we find ourselves feeling a sensation that by all means should be extinct by this point. It is called homesickness. Rather than enjoy the experience to its fullest, we dream of home, in all of its sitting stationary glory.
Summer is a beautiful thing.
However, today I dream of September.

I'm Sorry

Has anyone else noticed that many of the things I post about end up coming in lists? In fact, dare I say, MOST of the things I post about? Well at the moment, I have a list of people/events that I should probably be apologetic for. Some names have been changed :)
1)I'm sorry that I forget to reread my posts before I post them - and then look back and snigger because I made so many spelling/grammar/convention/etc, errors.
2)I'm sorry Harry Potter (not a code name) because I haven't thought about you in so long. I'm sorry that I'm not currently reading the series, or obsessing over facts left out. You are not forgotten.
3)I'm sorry to everyone I never wished a happy Valentine's Day to. ... If it means much (baha ... not that you'll ever see this), HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
4)I'm sorry to all of you ladies who I tell that I have no life, so feel free to call me anytime, short notice included - it appears that you always need me at the rare times when I'm suddenly busy.
5)I'm sorry to you three teachers that have told me to shut up recently. It wasn't on purpose that I was talking while you were. It was just ... habit.
6)I'm sorry, whats-your-name that this is getting extremely redundant and extremely pathetic and I'm so done.
7)I'm sorry, Camilla, that I never told you that your Valentine's box is amazing and your pastries and comforters and key chains and everything else you've ever made that benefits me wows me ... I'm sorry that generally I'm too busy bragging about it to other people ("You see this felt bird hanging from my lanyard? My sister made it ... and these earrings ... yup, and this headband ...")
8)I'm sorry to every race and every story around the world, past present and future, that I never educated myself about. You'd think that in this day and age I'd take the time to educate myself a wee bit about the world around me.
9)I'm sorry that I didn't dress up to support the Celtics - I really love you much more than the Lakers though ... I just felt like wearing a giant green clover is more like a St. Patrick's Day type of thing ...
10)I'm sorry that sometimes I resent people for how amazing they are ... that's something I very much need to work on.
11)I'm sorry that I didn't know what to say that one time ... I didn't think much ahead of time.
12)I'm sorry to all the guys in my life that make me laugh and are so amazing that I never tell and most likely never will ... not necessarily in a romantic way, I'm just glad you're there. High school would be pretty lame with only girls to talk to.
13)I'm sorry to all of you lovely ladies who also make the days go by faster. I probably tell you more (it's a bit less awkward) but still not enough. Thanks for backing me up ... and for letting me hold you plastic baby Kashieka ... or Kaniqua ... or whoever. I felt very trusted.
14)I'm sorry that I don't know how to use Windows Movie Maker, so you're doing most of the work ... I can assure you, I will very avidly be cheering you on :)
15)I'm sorry, Tali, that you feel like crap on Valentine's Day. I would tell you right now, but there is no chance I'd wake you up and the moment. That's a little cruel.
16)I'm sorry hair, that every day I ruin you with heated products. Stay strong!
17)I'm sorry Siera that once you had lots of will power and then you willingly chucked it down the toilet and cackled as you watched it swirl. I don't think you realized you don't know any plumbers - it's not coming back.
18)I'm sorry Aida that I showcase your childrens' talents.
19)I'm sorry Darwin that I never come out and play with you. I actually find you charmingly and endearingly engergized and as opposed to many canines, I find you adorable.
20)I'm sorry Ms. Embleton that I came in late today and let you stamp my homework. I'm sorry that I'm not going to fess up and have you change it either.
21)I'm sorry to all of you sweet babies born who deserve so much more than you're going to get.
22)I'm sorry, _____ who was having a horrible day and in tears. High school's like that ... but seriously? 99% sure he's not worth it ... Baha ... not by a long shot.
23)I'm sorry Mom when today I was telling my story loudly and I didn't realize until after you'd left (and my informer told me) that you'd been in the middle of a different one. I hate when people do that to me - it makes it worse that you're my mom ... I hope you told me that story later on.
24)I'm sorry that you thought I didn't like you - I find you amazing. I would love to get to know you better.
25)I'm so so so sorry to all of you that have ever been subject to my blunt rudeness, my obnoxious loud interruptions, my compulsive whining disease, or my pessimism. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for putting up with me.
Happy Valentine's Day All!

Wish List

Today for my Child Development class a bunch of people brought in kids and we all got to play around with them. I read and fought with toy dinosaurs and colored on white boards and swapped my favorite Disney quotes and didn't feel at all like I was taking care of them, but more like I was playing ... remember like we used to? "Hey, can you play today?" That's how it was.
Well, afterwards I got home, got on facebook (ohh, imagine that) and saw an album stuffed with pictures of the cutest two boys in the world.
And now I have a dilemma and a pressing new wish list. Here goes...
*This sounds all sentimental or whatever, but I wish I had a toddler to read with every night. And I'd get so tired when they insisted on the fourth and the fifth book ... or reread of the same one.
*I wish it was socially acceptable to start up an enthusiastic conversation with someone else simply because they were the same age, gender, playing with the same things, or just because they're the same species at me.
*I wish I could play with dinosaurs on a regular basis.
*I wish putting on a creative puppet show would get be a good grade.
*I wish I had show and tell for all of the things I'm bursting to tell people, but again, that's really just not socially acceptable.
*I wish I lived in Logan.
*I wish I was working or living someway that every day of my life I could hug a sweet baby or toddler or child.
*I wish people would look up to me because I knew the name of the yellow care bear. Or because I can read the entire book Fox in Socks with only three mistakes. Or because I know how to get a skid mark out of tile (That's right, put your foot on top of it and rub hard ... look it disappeared!)
All in all, I guess I'm Siera so an all-kid blog post was bound to come up eventually. So there it is folks ... my wish list.

Bubble

My least favorite part of a book is when the conflict, characters and setting are all introduced, the story sets off and then everything is perfectly wonderful. Look for it ... it's there in nearly every novel, the happy time. I hate to be a downer, but that's your clue that all Hell is about to let loose, inconveniently popping the pristine bubble.
Wellll, seeing as my life is perched high above cloud nine at the moment, should this be my clue that it's about to come whooshing down? Yeah ... crap.
Aw, who cares anyway? At the moment I'm cruising along in la la land and I'm fully prepared to take advantage of it for as long as possible! I've got two sweet nephews, one of whom just barely made his dazzling appearance, heaps of treats a mile wide, no school, no responsibilities, a brand new array of Christmas presents, people around me WAY more wonderful than I deserve (you know who you are BAHA), siblings I miss like crazy and siblings I'd LIKE to miss (just kidding ... kinda.), a back yard full of perfectly packable snow ... annnnd....
Hours worth of homework. A desperate need to get back into shape before season starts with ZERO will power. A two hour drive between me and those two sweet nephews. A disaster of a room ....
Hmm ... out of sight out of mind right? Right! BAHAHA how about instead of taking care of any of those things or prioritizing my life, I sit up here and type to you all about it!
I mean, there's enough good to let the bad slide by, right? There's enough good that I can slack in everything and just smile around at the happy go lucky things gliding by .... I hope.
Or I could turn over a new leaf and make all the goods better.
Work=results
slacking=no results.
Huh. Who woulda thought?
Gosh dang it, I gotta go clean my room now. Sighhhh ...
Well good bye all! Have a happy, somewhat productive 2011!

What to do, what to do...

I love to run my own life!
Oh right. That's why it's driven into a hole.
Well, I'm hoping that you all (meaning you ... one? Two maybe?) have some ideas for me. Here is my list of questions I need help on:
1) What should I write my column "Are You Kidding me?" about this month? It can be basically about anything but generally it's something that somewhat fits the title. Feel free to suggest anything that your imagination has let loose on.

2) If you lost your mathbook so you were rendered unable to do a chapter's worth of homework assignments (about 60% of my grade) what would you do? Besides FRANTICALLY SEARCH FOR IT I mean.

3) There are only so many hair-do's I am capable of before my fruitless attempts become hair-DON'Ts. Down straight, down curly, in a ponytail, in a bun. Any simple suggestions?

4) When everything and everything keeps driving you deeper and deeper in that endless rut of pessimism and seriously, being a bubbly, optimistic, vivacious mask of teenage girl perfection is what you'd love to be ... except pessimism is so much easier ... and often more humorous.

5) When gosh dang you can't watch the Jazz games on your TV and have to watch the slow, buffering play by plays on ESPN.com

6) Story ideas? I'm so desperate to write, but my creativity is sooo washed out.

7) Boys ... ha ha, never mind, we won't go there.

8) What should I paint/draw for an art contest? (Ha ha, yes of course it's required, no of course I wouldn't enter an art contest by myself!)

9) What do you do when you often have the urge to let go and screeeeeaaaaaaam because your blood feels like it's boiling? Because giving in to that can be a little awkward, let me tell ya. (Joke. That last sentence was a joke.)

10) And finally, what do you do when you're a freak because all you want to be is OUT of high school even though Yes, you know very well it's an easy life with no responsibility, and Yes, you get that these days pass too quickly and you'll want them back as soon as you don't have them and Yes, you understand that to you'll reflect back on these days with fondness ... yeah, I know, I believe all of that. But I either want to be young enough to associate with little kids every day or old enough to associate with little kids every day. Weird as it may sound, there's no other group of people who I can be so optimistic and so patient and so validated with for so long.

Ok, done with all of those questions. Sorry, I make an effort not to let serious, important things to me bleed their way (bleed as in ink on paper, NOT actual blood) onto a blog post, but occasionally it's nice to vent. If people started reading this thing, I'd have to be a little more careful. So ciao, or adieu! (Yes, of course the French is necessary. Do you even understand how proud I am of finally knowing what that spells?)
-Siera

Sierendipity

How exciting to have a blank box to say whatever the heck I want.
First of all, to the few who will ever look at this post (I'm thinking of one who will definitely read this - the fly buzzing around my head.) I just want to explain the title of my blog. As I did not know until now, the word serendipity means:

–noun

1.

an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.

2.

good fortune; luck

which, when mixed with my name not only made a really pretty cool word, but also a pretty cool meaning. It's just so ... positive. As anyone who knows me knows, I am a pretty positive person. But as anyone who knows me pretty well knows, I am actually NOT AT ALL. I'm really dramatic, and like making silly little trial-like things into crisis's. And reading lots of blogs lately, I've realized that so many people out there are just so negative.
Which is why, this is my positive blog post.
So here I go with my list of things that make me happy:
*Tomorrow is my birthday.
*This means that all my family will come
*and I will get presents (bahaha)
*little kids
*books
*laughing HARD
*laundry just barely out of the drier
*stuffed animals
*clean rooms
*CingTR (haha, get it?)
*Waking up and thinking about how I heroically refused a bowl of ice cream, chocolate, etc. the day before (which doesn't happen often these days.)
*Wes
*Air conditioning
*fruit
*specifically oranges
*the phone being for me
*getting to depend on someone else financially and emotionally. I have almost zero responsibility.
*the thought of school starting.

Wow, I could go on forever. So, this year for my birthday, I just want to give myself an attitude adjustment. People have no right to be ungrateful ... well, at least I don't. And I'm a snot about all of my stuff. So from now on I'm going to be just better and more grateful..........

Just don't hold me to that :)
-Siera